About
Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious
vicars
Tenpasenta Church home
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Making life's final journey better than other people's
INTRODUCTION
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It's a little advertised fact that you don't need to use a funeral director at all, but if you do please choose us because we're great!
The average cost for a funeral in the UK is £7,599 but not here! For the sake of exclusivity we like to double that figure, nobody likes to see their relatives leave this world like Mr or Mrs average.
Tenpasenta Church of England's Premium Funerals is an exclusive independent funeral director for the wealthy or generally ostentatious.
With about 37,000 people dying in England and Wales monthly we realise that we need to offer exclusive services that stand out from the other funeral directors gagging for your business, and we like to think we provide the highest quality funeral services money can buy. We are well respected amongst the grave trade and public alike. The wealthy 'BABY BOOMER' generation is now our top customer and business is brisk, book early to avoid disappointment.
Coffin in hearse sold
RECEPTION
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Premium Funerals Reception
Premium FuneralsA warm welcome awaits you at the Tenpasenta Premium funeral reception, not just because we're glad to meet wealthy customers, but because all our heating is plumbed directly from our crematorium heat exchangers, by doing this we like to give the impression of being Green, when in fact we're just saving money.
We offer a facility to book a funeral service up to five years in advance, although this is seldom taken advantage of by those outside the trade and underworld criminals, but it's there all the same and could guarantee you a weekend slot or a nice summer funeral.
High-speed interments are popular and we can guarantee a maximum 10 days from death to urn, that means we can get you collected and cremated quicker than you can make an appointment to see your doctor to find out what you were dying of in the first place, burials can take longer unless you choose our very own green burial site here in Southampton.
Remember it's best not to call us until you have confirmed the death and a certificate has been issued for the Registrar because we can't do much without it.
Many say our premium prices are far too low, but we may sting you with a £20,000 surcharge if you look disappointed
If you're planning ahead or just checking our fantastical prices why not pop into our shop for a look.
Mark Collyer
FACILITIES
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Tenpasenta funeral chapel Southampton Our main chapels are located next to our Church gift shop which mourners will conveniently have to pass through on their exit, souvenirs of your visit are available for purchase, including a choice of photos taken just as the curtain closes.
Although our chapels are located within the crematorium building, they also cater for burial ceremonies, we just don't play the closing the screen around the coffin game with burials.
We recently opened our second chapel to cater for increased demand for premium cremations, it's not as posh as the main chapel but does the job nicely, and it's £10 cheaper. Premium Funerals
Due to time restraints we have to limit all standard services to 10 minutes, there is nothing worse than seeing packs of mourners clogging up the entrance waiting their turn, it makes the place look like a bloody "Men in Black" movie convention.
An hour-long service is available if you believe your dead loved one to have been special in some way, bespoke prices are available on request once we see how wealthy you look, and find out what bespoke actually means.
Services are usually given by any available vicar, and with years of experience behind them you would believe they knew the deceased personally and not just seen their name on the invoice. A real Church vicar will charge £160 to preside, we only charge from £110! Take your pick.
The Duty vicar will tell stories about how fantastic and loved the deceased was, just how fantastic and loved can be negotiated on the day as we understand it can depend on who turns up, it would be a shame to spend our maximum fee of £1,000 on a lengthy eulogy when only their care staff turned up, and they only came because they can get out of work for an hour.
We have the facilities for you to play your own choice of inappropriate music during the service, and just like the local council, we are cheeky enough to charge you £10 for the privilege.
Feel free to bring along your own organist too if you prefer, we have no organ for them to play, but it's your service invite who you like.
catafalque
CHURCH
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pallbearers For a little extra we offer the east wing or all of our Premier Church for that classic and very expensive funeral service look. The cost to us is the same, but the added luxury must be worth a fair few quid extra to you.
Mark the vicar or his brother will make the funeral event a truly spectacular thirty minutes as they dress up as real vicars and pose for after the service photos with the bereaved.
Premium Church Prices start at only £510 extra, but to be honest for this price you need to carry the coffin in yourself, aim for £1,000+ to get the full works.
Pallbearer prices depend on how heavy the coffin is, we have 4-10 men available. Our pallbearers may look old but they can move pretty swiftly when they want to get outside for a cigarette.
See our funeral plans for pre-paid prices, and we have a great range of quality coffins and funeral urns, including an exclusive celebrity range.
For current burial and cremation fees check the "Living" link.

OPEN CASKET

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Due to popular demand we have introduced open casket funeral services for those purchasing one of our luxurious American style caskets, but as to why anyone would want this is beyond us. open casket viewing
open casket viewing

FUNERAL APP

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Funeral app
Google store
Not available at Apple
Tenpasenta Church logo
Please download our new Funeral Finder App, locations
and prices from every Funeral director in England,
strangely enough the final result always points to
one of our funeral shops, funny that.
 
   
This site is not suitable for churchy types
 

GRIEF CHART

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Grief Chart CryptAdvisorMany people are unsure how much public grief is the correct amount to show at a funeral, good question. We advise you to use our unique Grief Chart on the left.
Decades of observing funerals of all types and for all ages has enabled us to create a graph which shows a very accurate amount of grief observed.
BONUS CARDS
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funeral Priority Boarding Busy funeral? Guarantee yourself that seat near the exit or by the heater with our exclusive Priority Boarding system!
Fed up with losing out on that nice seat because of your selfish relatives?
Buy your Priority boarding pass on the day, only £10.
Why not join our Frequent Mourner Club for great discounts.
Frequent Mourner card
Donor Card UK
Carry the Card!
R.I.P. animated sign
   
 

THE BEST FUNERAL SONGS

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Alan Freeman's best alternative funeral songs, not arf!
We understand that the music or songs played at a funeral are a very personal choice, you'd be surprised by how many times that very personal choice is identical with hundreds, in fact we hear the same old dross over and over again, in place of this why not try one of Fluff Freeman's "Best Funeral Songs" collection.
Mark the vicar hopes that by hearing this selection that they will stimulate your mind into choosing something less generic and more uplifting than "We raise you up" by bloody Westlife, we hear that crap about 12 times a day.

 

 

 

The Jam  Funeral Song

The Jam

countdown Funeral Song

Countdown

living in a box Funeral Song]

Living in a Box

Fire Starter Funeral Song

The Prodigy

Flames     Flames
Pumping not arf!
Flames

Guns and Roses Funeral Song

Guns and Roses

The Doors Funeral Song

The Doors

The Trammps Funeral Song

The Trammps

Queen Funeral Song

Queen

Fire Funeral Song

Die Krupps

Johnny cash Funeral Song

Johnny Cash

Harry Nilsson Funeral Song

Harry Nilsson

My Chemical Romance Funeral Song

My Chemical Romance

Looney Tunes Funeral Song

Loony Tunes

LIVE FEED
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Great news for lazy mourners. Our live video feed from the funeral Chapels are now online!
With speeds up to 56kps the future is here today.
Available free while testing, you can view all funerals as they happen, live audio is delayed 5 minutes to avoid profanity, it's a bit strange to watch at first but you get used to it.
This will become a pay per view service to any computer or an internet-connected device worldwide for only £10 per service.
Stream the funeral directly to the bar of your local pub enabling the wake to begin early, in fact, there is no need to turn up in person for the funeral at all.
There must be many great reasons to watch a funeral service online, unfortunately we can't think of any.
video_live
 
Buffering, still
Buffering......
diFi Funeral chapel internetGreat news for internet fans, from spring 2019 or later our funeral chapels will be Di-Fi enabled.
We understand how dull funeral services can be, that's why internet connectivity is so important to today's bereaved. This service is offered free of charge to all of those giving a £10 donation before the service, your login details will be on your receipt.
We kindly ask all users not to send live web feed to their friends via this service, we are currently trying to get into the live feed market ourselves and don't need clever Dicks eating into our potential profits. We are a bit like iTunes in their stance against pirate downloads, we too like to believe every downloader would have paid full price for the service.
Remember this will be your last chance to take a selfie with your loved one, we now give 10 minutes of free time before the service begins for the bereaved, depending on demand this can be extended at a pay per minute rate. bereavement tax included
Please don't post a service you've recorded on social media, we'd hate people to realise our vicars say the same venal rubbish at every service.
crematorium selfie with coffin
 
   
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DEATH INFORMATION
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Coffin edge Funeral service scedule
Premium Funerals logoThe note above is usually the amount of detail for the order of service that we get prior to a funeral.
As you can see this deceased person's choice of music was dire, we have yet to work out why so much sentimental crap is played at this time.
Please try to provide as much personal information as you'd like to hear spoken back to you.
OPEN TO PUBLIC
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Tenpasenta Church Premium funerals have bridged the gap between solemnity and entertainment by having many parts of our crematorium open to the general public and schools, not just for educational purposes but also for those just morbidly nosey.
Many relatives of the recently processed come back once a year for a tour until they get fed up or die themselves.
Feel free to arrange a guided tour of our funeral facilities, however feeling free is as far is it gets, as we charge £10 for the hour-long tour, discounted group charges available on request, however, there is a maximum of 10 guests per tour and a maximum 10% discount.
Tours begin daily at 3pm including bank holidays and even Christmas day, so forget watching the Queen's speech come and visit us.
Get an idea of what is guaranteed to happen to you, maybe pick a nice niche for yourself in the columbarium, you only need to put down a £1,000 non-refundable deposit ask Sister Mary for details during the tour.
If you have a relative residing in one of our niches bring a copy of their receipt of internment for one hour free access, maps are available for only £10, allow 10 hours per visit as it's big and lonely down there, even though you are surrounded by over 10,000 dead.
Columbarium Tour guide Sister Mary Collyer
Tenpasenta Church
 
INFO ABOUT TENPASENTA FUNERALS
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High street Southampton 1960's Our premium funeral shop today on a Southampton retail park
Our first funeral shop in Southampton 1950 Premium funeral shop today on a Southampton retail park
Tenpasenta Church Premium Funerals warehouse Nobody here looks like this.
All of our telephone advisors have at least 30 years experience in the funeral industry.
"We've been delivering overpriced funerals in the Southampton area since 1950, our frank way of handling death has won us acclaim in the funeral industry, although many potential customers find our jovial attitude a surprise at first, but once they realise how big our mark-ups are they quickly understand why we're laughing. We aim to make at least 1,000% clear profit from each funeral, you know it makes corporate sense.
Relatives and friends of many of our customers are often heard saying "they saw you coming " we are on a hill so I expect we did."
Jensen Interceptor Hearse
1975, our unique Jensen Interceptor Hearse, now retired.
OFFICIAL BBC REPORT
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BBC facebook Apparently, my websites caused some offence amongst local community busybodies. Luckily the BBC came to my aid and produced a free promo video.
WAKE AREA
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