Coffins
Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious
vicars_animated
   
Tenpasenta Church home
ABOUT COFFINS URNS EXTRAS
BURIAL CREMATION GREEN QUALITY
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COMFORT STATION

TENPASENTA_BANNER
Coffin liner Coffin Comfort station
Try before you buy.
Have you been worried that the coffin you will be resting in will be a little uncomfortable? Now with our new Comfort Station you can test the coffin liner that suits you best.
 

COFFIN RANGE

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Premium Coffins
Bury BURY
Cremate BURN
Sea burial SEA
bio GREEN
 
People are dying to get into our premium coffins.
The Cheapskate

The Mexican

The Cheapskate £1,010 The Mexico £1,110  
BuryCremateSEa burial BuryCremateSEa burial  
The Fitness

The Happy Widow

The Fitness £2,910 The Happy Widow £2,910  
BuryCremateSEa burial BuryCremateSEa burialNew  
The Italian The Zanxibar
The Italian £3,010 The Zanzibar £4,010  
BuryCremateSEa burial BuryCrematebio  
The FactHunt
The Big Fact Hunt £8,010-£10,010  
BuryCremateNew
It's a fact of modern life that many people are morbidly overweight, but there are many that are even bigger than this, unfortunately many of these big fat oafs die whilst still bleeding huge instead of waiting until they've slimmed down to fit into a reasonably sized coffin, this used to mean constructing very expensive bespoke coffins, but with so many big dead coming into our funeral shop daily we have introduced a new off the shelf XXL model.
Our beautiful new coffin is constructed from pine planks sourced from Sweden's premier timber yards, it is pre-fitted with a standard pallet sourced from our local Spar making it easier to handle by our elderly pall bearers.
Due to the many hours of research we have put into this product we have decided to call this the Big Fact Hunt, and is compatible with our new jumbo sized Fat Furnace cremation unit.

CELEBRITY COFFINS

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Celebrity Coffins
Bury BURY
Cremate BURN
SEa burial SEA
bio GREEN
 
The Spuccie Brucie Coffin new
as_seen_on_tv
  NEW! The Sprucie Brucie £5,010 BuryCremateSEa burialbio
Arthur Negus The Aston  
The Arthur Negus (By auction only) The Mick Aston £4,010
BuryCremateSEa burial BuryCremateSEa burialbio
The Carradine Bisto Coffin
The David Carradine £4010 The Lynda Bellingham £8,010
BuryCremateSEa burialbio BuryCremateSEa burialNew
The Taylor The Blaine
The Elizabeth Taylor £8'510 The Harry Houdini £9,010
Bury BurySEa burial
The Whicker Tardis
The Alan Whicker £7,010 The Jon Pertwee 10 Groats - £10,000 depending on time
BuryCremateSEa burialbio BuryCrematebioNew
The Armstrong The Indian
The Neil Armstrong £7,010 The GANDHI £10,010
BuryCrematebio Bury
The McQueen The Jackson
The David Frost £20,010 The Michael Jackson £210,010
SEa burialbio BurySEa burial
   
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MADAGASCAR COFFINS

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Madagascar Coffins
Madagascar Coffin range £10,010
BuryCremateSEa burialNew
 
R.I.P.
   
  Tenpasenta Church cornerwithflower
PRICE MATCH
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Seen it cheaperWe guarantee our high prices! If you find the identical coffin within 10 miles of Southampton we will drop our price to meet theirs! It's as simple as that. Graham the Vicar, senior sales advisor
Best price
*Price match must only be on items in stock and must include next day delivery, 5 year manufacturers warranty, from a Professional funeral director not eBay, grade A stock, and the manufacture number must match including the phrase "exclusive to the Tenpasenta Church".

WAITING OFFER

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look here *Buyers of Celebrity coffins costing over £7,010 can use some parts of the vicarage prior to the funeral, see "LIVING" for details.
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COFFIN HANDLES
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Elderly crossing coffin handles
Shit Happens Remember to embellish your chosen
premium coffin with some Premium EXTRA LARGE handles.
Only £3010 for a box of 10.
What you do with any left over is up to you.
HUGE STOCKS
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a coffin delivery
Visit one of our vast coffin showrooms. These may not be as flash as our designer range, but they do represent the best quality in standard Premier coffins.
Don't expect fancy eco-coffins though, we've found that some can cause trouble in our very expensive cremator retorts so forget your banana leaf wonders or water hyacinth weaved beauties because we'll kick them into the long grass, which is also banned.
Shit Happens
Coffin stocks Coffin Store and till
 
R.I.P.
   
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SPECIAL OFFER
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Free coffin liner Lined cofin
When buying your Premium multi-thousand pound coffin, you will qualify for a pure nylon coffin liner worth #108, it may be one of the cheaper liners but it is out of sight, better still they only cost us £10,10p each in the first place!
Taking advantage of this great offer could mean you can get that cheap case of Champagne you noticed in Spar for the wake.
If you qualify for this fantastic offer it can only be used for this liner, not a #108 discount off the good stuff, we're not daft.
coffin liner Tenpasenta Church
CryptAdvisor Comfort rating
CASKET ROADSHOW
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Casket Roadshow lorry
american casket showroom With American Caskets becoming far more popular with the dying British public, we have decided to run a nationwide advertising campaign with a casket display and sales truck to regularly visit every city in England.
After finding out the vast mark ups on these luxury looking coffins, it would be a fool who didn't try to sell them to grieving relatives.
Most Americans have their expensive caskets buried within a vault, depending on the price they can be just air tight or withstand world destruction, pity we don't sell these yet as we hear there is little physical difference between them in fact.
When caskets in vaults become common place in the UK you can guarantee we will be at the forefront of that craze. We have already dedicated a large area for 210 standard concrete vaults, lay 'em out, cover them with grass, and your ready to start, easy and very cost effective, coming soon, meanwhile browse our selection that have all been imported from Texas.
VIEW OUR RANGE
TENPASENTA_BANNER
All prices include standard Bereavement Tax of as much as we can get. Our complete coffin range (except the Jackson) is available to view at our funeral sales office, and we're sure you will agree the quality is well worth the meagre 310% standard Bereavement Tax added to all of our funerary products.
We would like to offer a wider range of coffins, but to be honest we get a good discount from our current Chinese supplier and can't be arsed to look around.
Many funeral directors will derive their profits from either the coffin cost or the service charge, rest assured that here at Tenpasenta Church Premium Funerals we profit from both.
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