Coffins
Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious
vicars_animated
Tenpasenta Church home
ABOUT COFFINS URNS EXTRAS
BURIAL CREMATION GREEN QUALITY
VIEWING FLEET LIVING? PLANS
Making life's final journey better than other people's

COMFORT STATION

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Coffin liner Coffin Comfort station
Try before you buy.
Have you been worried that the coffin you will be resting in will be a little uncomfortable? Now with our new Comfort Station, you can test the coffin liner that suits you best.

COFFIN RANGE

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Premium Coffins
Bury BURY
Cremate BURN
Burial at sea certification SEA
Green coffin GREEN
Keep at home HOME
 
People are dying to get into our premium coffins.
Scottish coffin

Mexican coffin

The Cheapskate £999 The Mexico £1,099  
BuryCremateBurial at sea certification BuryCremateBurial at sea certification  
The Keep Fit coffin

Happy Widow coffin

The Fitness £2,999 The Happy Widow £2,999  
BuryCremateBurial at sea certification BuryCremateBurial at sea certification New  
Italian coffin Zanxibar coffin
The Italian £3,999 The Zanzibar £4,999  
BuryCremateBurial at sea certification BuryCremateGreen coffin  
Fact Hunt coffin
The Big Fact Hunt £9,999-£15,999 (forklift hire extra £99)
BuryCremate
After a big investigation in to the types of coffins to bring to the market we found sad facts that many people are morbidly overweight, but there are many that are even bigger than this, we're not sure what they're called but it's surprising they survive, especially if they live alone, it's probably a fact that these big fat oafs die whilst still being bleeding huge instead of waiting until they've slimmed down to fit into a reasonably sized coffin, selfish bastards, these very expensive bespoke coffins are a beautiful way of enclosing all that blubber, with so many big dead coming into our funeral shop daily we have even introduced a new off the shelf XXL model too, check out budget coffins.
Our beautiful new coffin is constructed from pine planks sourced from Sweden's premier timber yards, it is pre-fitted with a standard pallet sourced from our local Spar making it easier to handle by our elderly pallbearers.
Due to the many hours of research, we have put into this product we have decided to call this the Big Fact Hunt, and is compatible with our new jumbo-sized Fat Furnace cremation unit.
   
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FLEXIBLE COFFIN PLAN
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Flexible Coffin Plan

Although this site proclaims to be Premium funerals for the richest in society it's actually targeted at the middle class who like to see our header on their paperwork. But don't tell anyone.

Flexible payment plans are available for those who would like to spread the ridiculously high costs of our cheaply made coffins.
this particular plan is for the coffin price only, not the entire funeral, but don't worry as 100%* of the coffin price will be deducted from any funeral plans total value. This fantastic deal is recommended to all premium customers, we call this the 60/40 flexible plan, you pay only 60% of the coffin price now, and the remaining 40% six months later. Tell your friends of this great offer and receive 10% commission of their coffin price, if you work in any Geriatric home (except Tenpasenta Geriatric) you could make a packet.

*less 20% handling charge.

Great coffin deal
Tenpasenta Church
   
 

CELEBRITY COFFINS

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Celebrity Coffins
Bury BURY
Cremate BURN
Burial at sea certification SEA
Green coffin GREEN
 
The Spuccie Brucie Coffin  
As seen on TV
  The Brucie £5,999 BuryCremateBurial at sea certification Green coffin
Arthur Negus The Aston  
The Negus (By auction only) The Aston £3,999
BuryCremateBurial at sea certification Keep at home Bury
The Carradine wardrobe Bisto Coffin
The Carradine £4,999 The Bellingham £7,999
BuryCremateBurial at sea certification Green coffinKeep at home BuryCremateBurial at sea certification New
Liz Taylor coffin The Houdini coffin
The Taylor £9,999 The Houdini £9,999
BuryKeep at home BuryBurial at sea certification
The Alan Whicker coffin Jon Pertwee coffin
The Whicker £8,999 The Pertwee £8,999
BuryCremateBurial at sea certification Green coffin BuryCremateGreen coffinNew
Niel Armstrong coffin Ghandi coffin
The Armstrong £5,999 The Gandhi £9,999
BuryCremateGreen coffin Bury
The David Frost coffin The Michael Jackson
The Frost £19,999 The Jackson £249,999
BuryKeep at home BuryBurial at sea certification
   
This site is not suitable for churchy types
 

MADAGASCAR COFFINS

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Madagascar Coffins
Madagascar Coffin range £9,999
BuryCremateBurial at sea certification New
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PRICE MATCH
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Seen it cheaper, so have weWe guarantee our high prices! If you find the identical coffin within 10 miles of Southampton we will drop our price to meet theirs! It's as simple as that. Graham the vicar, senior sales advisor
Best coffin prices
*Price match must only be on items in stock and must include next day delivery, 5 year manufacturers warranty, from a Professional funeral director not eBay, grade A stock, and the manufacture number must match including the phrase "exclusive to the Tenpasenta Church".
WAITINGROOM OFFER
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look here *Buyers of Celebrity coffins costing over £6,999 can use some parts of the vicarage prior to the funeral, see our "LIVING" page for details.
Premium Funerals Panorama
   
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COFFIN HANDLES
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Elderly  people crossing coffin handles
Shit Happens Remember to embellish your chosen
premium coffin with some Premium EXTRA LARGE handles.
Only £2,999 for a box of 10.
What you do with any left over is up to you.
HUGE COFFIN STOCKS
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a coffin delivery
Visit one of our vast coffin showrooms. These may not be as flashy as our designer range, but they do represent the best quality in standard Premier coffins.
Don't expect fancy eco-coffins though, we've found that some can cause trouble in our very expensive cremator retorts so forget your banana leaf wonders or water hyacinth weaved beauties because we'll kick them into the long grass, which is also banned.
Shit Happens
Coffin stocks at Premium funerals Coffin wholesale southampton
R.I.P.
   
 
SPECIAL OFFER
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Free coffin liner inspecting coffin lining
When buying your Premium multi-thousand pound coffin, you will qualify for a pure nylon coffin liner worth £108, it may be one of the cheaper liners but it is out of sight, better still they only cost us £10 each in the first place!
Taking advantage of this great offer could mean you can get that cheap case of Champagne you noticed in Spar for the wake.
If you qualify for this fantastic offer it can only be used for this liner, not a £108 discount off the good stuff, we're not daft.
Top quality coffin materials Tenpasenta Church logo
CryptAdvisor Comfort ratings 2 and 3
CASKET ROADSHOW
Tenpasenta banner
American Casket Roadshow lorry
american casket mobile showroom With American Caskets becoming far more popular with the dying British public, we have decided to run a nationwide advertising campaign with a casket display and sales truck to regularly visit every city in England.
After finding out the vast mark-ups on these luxury looking coffins, it would be a fool who didn't try to sell them to grieving relatives.
Most Americans have their expensive caskets buried within a vault, depending on the price they can be just airtight or withstand world destruction, pity we don't sell these yet as we hear there is little physical difference between them.
When caskets in vaults become commonplace in the UK you can guarantee we will be at the forefront of that craze. We have already dedicated a large area for 210 standard concrete vaults, lay 'em out, cover them with grass, and you're ready to start, easy and very cost-effective, coming soon, meanwhile, browse our selection that has all been imported from Texas.
VIEW OUR FULL COFFIN RANGE
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All prices include standard Bereavement Tax of as much as we can get. Our complete coffin range (except the Jackson) is available to view at our funeral shop and we're sure you will agree the quality is well worth the meagre 310% standard Bereavement Tax added to all of our funerary products.
We would like to offer a wider range of coffins, but to be honest we get a good discount from our current Chinese supplier and can't be arsed to look around.
Many funeral directors will derive their profits from either the coffin cost or the service charge, rest assured that here at Tenpasenta Church Premium Funerals we profit from both.
Donate to Mark with PayPal to sustain these sites, he's unemployed and every penny counts. Thank you
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ABOUT COFFINS URNS EXTRAS
BURIAL CREMATION GREEN QUALITY
VIEWING FLEET LIVING? PLANS
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Who made this crap?
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Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable..