Cremations
Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious
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DIRECT CREMATION

 
Direct funerals chapel We provide transportation of the deceased from any hospital or mortuary in England or Wales to our facility in Southampton, we will unload the van at one of our beautiful chapels just in case someone turns up, if they do we'll play a random tune from our vast collection, it'll be a short one as on a busy day we can unload one coffin every 3 minutes.
Direct funerals body bank Direct Funerals+ is the funeral of choice for tens of thousands, don't miss out on this unique service. Prices start at only £4,999 plus disbursements Larger clients attract a £299 obesity surcharge.
Email the vicar for a quote, remember to say how wealthy the deceased was, this can greatly affect the cost he will charge the estate.
   
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CREMATION

 

The Tenpasenta Church operates one of the very few private crematoriums in the country and we provide the only 10 Michelin star cremations in Europe.
This page describes the process you can expect from our premium service.

After a service at our premier chapel or church the coffin is transported from catafalque to our pre-cremation storage area where one of our back-room boys may need to check the body for jewellery or any other valuables that could ruin one of our retorts, this is normally only done after a tip off from a relative with whom we split any profits after the items have sold on our eBay outlet.

catafalque premium cremation
catafalque catafalque behind the curtain
crematorium cremation area crematorium worker
Crematorium chimney Human ashes
At some point during the day, the body will be fed into one of our gas cremators, it will remain there for around two hours or more depending on the body size. Big and fat bodies may need to be re-directed to our budget funeral pyres until our larger cremators for the handful of inconsiderate overly fat or tall dead people come into operation during early 2019. Please note that not all bodies are cremated on the day of the service, but they will be processed within 72 hours according to the law.
Early into the process, we engage the countries only patent corpse basting system, this gives that even white finish to the ashes that relatives like to see when digging around in the urn with a Biro.
We collect 3 to 10 lbs. of bone fragments from a cremation, these take about an hour to cool, down which gives our operatives time for a snack or a trip to the shops, or maybe go home and give the Mrs one?
Cremulator

After cremation, the ashes of bones and teeth will need to be ground into a powder which we then refer to as cremains, (the uninitiated still call ashes, we will use either term on this site, it depends which year additions are made) but only after coffin pins, large metal fragments or joints are removed all recovered metals are retained by us for recycling, but unlike many council crematoria, we keep any cash made.
If you would like to receive your loved ones remains unprocessed please make your wishes known well in advance, this is for our benefit due to the fact these remains may be identifiable, whereas processed cremains all look the same and it doesn't really matter if they get confused with another person, co-mingling can still occur.
The cremains are turned to ash by passing them through a high-speed cremulator, it only takes about 10 minutes to process them, giving our staff just enough time for a cigarette.

Our standard cremation is only £399

Cremated remains

CREMATORIUM

 
New crematorium can handle fat bodies
New Tenpasenta Crematorium 2
We are pleased to announce that our new second crematorium is now open.
We have invested 10 million pounds on new buildings and 6 new cremation units, three of which are capable of handling the largest of dead people.
After a funeral service has taken place our automated systems will transport the coffin to the next available cremator, in the case of the larger dead all will travel by conveyor the 600 metres via a service tunnel to the new building.
Our larger cremators are in high demand thanks to the growing population of lard arses, this means that we will be handling the dead from other funeral directors around the south, this could explain the potential 72 hour delays from service to cremation we mentioned earlier, however all waiting dead will be kept in our new cold room, this cold room has been designed with dehumidifiers so don't worry about cardboard coffins degrading overnight.
Fat furnace cremator

CHINESE CREMATION

 
Chinese Cremation We are proud to announce the installation of our new GOLD PLATED style, Chinese cremation unit. As is traditional with Chinese funerals our bill will be sent to the deceased person's children if there are any, so if you're planning for your own cremation choose this super expensive option to eat into their savings or inheritance. Cremation prices start at a very reasonable £2.888 bring your own choice of incense Sticks from home, if you forget Yau Brothers Chinese wholesaler is only a 10-minute drive away, we offer no service at the cremation, we leave all this malarkey to the family, this does not include transport, this can be negotiated at our funeral fleet shop separately. We do have some classy looking Chinese style coffins imported from India or some other low wage economy. These coffins are designed to resemble the chunky wood used in Chinese coffins that last decades when buried but are actually just cremator safe chipboard.
Chinese Coffin
The Chin Ki £8,888 BuryCremate
INFANT CREMATION
 
infant coffin It's a sad fact that not everyone reaches old age before dying, it's a fact that we've sent more children up chimneys than the Victorians, obviously we sympathise with anyone who loses a child, but just think they could have been the next Hitler so it's a reassuring thought that millions of lives may have been saved.
Infants and children up to 16 are free of charge, so it's quite a saving to die young. We usually charge (chuck in) our cremators with infant coffins at the end of the day, there is enough heat to cremate them overnight and save us a packet on gas, so they're greener too. Non-viable foetuses and Infants often leave no remains to speak of due to lack of bone calcification, but we have enough ashes laying about if you would like some to take home.
COUNCIL CREMATION
 
crematorium Back door Council-run crematoria often ask if we can handle some of their overflow, but we stick to the law and cremate our received dead within 72 hours and say no to the council scumbags, if they can't follow the rules they shouldn't take our business in the first place.
Mark the vicar feels that it's also unfair on the relatives of the deceased too, if they ever realised their loved one was being shipped around the country to another crematorium they'd go ape, especially when the family thought it was all over and done with on the day of the funeral, once those chapel curtains pull shut around the coffin fair for those attending to believe it's direct to the cremator, not a fridge or van for a couple of days.
By the way if you want to guarantee same day cremation check out our Direct "cremations".
R.I.P.
   
 
DISPOSAL OF ASHES
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Before you read the sentimental ways of disposing of your loved one's bones, a quick notice.
We are unable or unwilling to remove all of the remains from the cremator at the end of each run, so everyone gets a bit short changed when collecting their loved one, we regularly vacuum and will dispose of these remains in a drilled hole, a kind of mass grave containing odd bits and pieces.
much of any remains you spread in our garden of remembrance will be removed at the end of the week to make way for the next customers, these remains will be added to our mass grave, the spreading of remains in our grounds is purely symbolic, imagine if we didn't tidy up, the place would be like a lunar landscape.
Earth Auger for burying
hoover up human ashes
FOCAL POINT
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A big question that comes up when arranging a cremation is what to do with the ashes.
If you choose our columbarium resting place or the morbid concept of keeping your beloveds ashes at home in an urn on the bookcase, you will have a focal point for your grief, grief that could last for years, trust me, why else would people keep putting poppies on our war memorial? But those of you who decided on the cheap option of an anonymous spreading of ashes in one of our shrubberies* will not have that focal point for the grief that you may require in the future.
That is why we tagged onto the great idea of burying ashes in a shallow grave in our new Green cemetery, not only will we charge £399 for the cremation, but another £450 for burying them too, this will not only give a much needed focal point for your loved one but also give us another cash cow, so we all win.
Ashes can be electronically marked for use with our grave scanner or simply add the co-ordinates to your TomTom or other mapping device.

*Hole drilled somewhere in the grounds.

child grave
CREM HOLES
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Chinese craftsmanship Our team of drain builders have been busy building premium cremation burial plots from Crem Hole, these high-quality compartments are an ideal resting place for the urn of a loved one, each cover is manufactured to the highest ISO standards by Shanghai top quality tops Ltd,
廢話孔. Crem Hole logo
These cheaply built niches may set you back a fair few quid, but remember you will be gaining a focal point to visit and leave discount petrol station flowers.
Crem holes are constructed using 10% ASHES2BRICKST meaning your departed loved one will never be alone.
From £999
Individual burial of cremation urns
   
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ASHES INTO ORBIT
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Send human ashes into outer space Twice per year, we launch our North Korean rockets into low orbit, this premium service is for those wishing to have their ashes spread across the heavens without the trouble of going to America.
Unlike America we send all of the remains not just a few grams, our aim is to lift the remains 2,000km where they will remain for a few days before burning up again in the atmosphere.CryptAdvisor
Our two-stage rockets can theoretically carry the remains of 410 people, however the best launch to date crashed on the Isle of Wight injuring 110, the RAF then bombed Pyongyang but that's another story, anyway we're not about to give up so book now, £90,000
DIAMONDS FROM ASHES
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18% of the human body is carbon, diamonds are 100% carbon, so it makes total sense that it shouldn't be cast to the wind after a loved ones death and cremation.
A popular option amongst the gullible is where we take the deceased loved ones cremated remains to our very own diamond factory here in Woolston and have the carbon from these ashes converted into beautiful synthetic diamonds.
The diamonds are made via a patented thermal gradient method using alloys as a flux at pressures of 5.0-6.0 GPa and temperatures of 1,600-2,000 °C. The entire process, from cremation to finished stone, takes up to six months for a yellow gem and longer for a blue one.
Our unique undisclosed method involves throwing the ashes in the bin and providing low-grade synthetic diamonds used for drill bits from a box we bought in B&Q, these are then be made into beautiful jewellery that you'd never wear in a thousand years if you didn't think it was the remains of a loved one.
Our prices start at £999, why not buy ahead and save the six-month wait.
Ashes to diamonds
ASHES IN FIREWORKS
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Human ashes in fireworks A bonfire night favourite is where we pack the loved one's ashes into some illegal Chinese fireworks, depending on the size of the departed these could range from a box of bangers to a fireworks spectacular.
Book now for the November 5th fireworks display where we will be launching 10 tons of remains. Our bonfire will be provided by sister company Budget cremations, with a real body as Guy Fawkes for that authentic feel.
Prices for fireworks start at only £99.
Swan vesta
NORTH KOREAN FU-KUP MISSILE
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Southampton church fire

2019

Our fireworks spectacular this year was a great success financially, although our insurance company will be upset when they see our repair bill for the burned-out church.
This was the first time our rocket reached orbit, however, we'd like to apologise to those hoping to see their loved one's ashes flown into space, as Brian forgot to load them. If this has affected you, You're welcome to collect these ashes from our funeral office from Monday 10th November with a refund less 10% handling charge.
bereavement tax included
COLOURED ASHES
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colourful human ashes Bottled ashes from £99.
Have your loved ones ashes coloured and bottled into coloured layers and shapes, you can do this yourself if you like.
If in the unlikely event you got bored of looking at these beautiful pieces of art you could sell them on eBay, we're sure that the unsuspecting member of the public who paid good money for it would never realise it was just some worthless old crap in a jar, sorry, your loved one.
glass cremation urn
Tenpasenta Church
   
 
ASH WIPES
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Ashwipes clean human ashes from shoes ash wipes
Fed up with cremated remains blowing back on your shoes? New Tenpasenta Ash wipes to the rescue! These specially formulated wipes are kind to patent leather and other gloss leather effects.
Rid your shoes of embarrassing relations remains. Coming in packs of 10, our ash wipes will be there for you and your family. These soft wipes are fully flushable and could come in handy for other personal uses.
Buy from our shop when you collect your loved ones ashes, available at an incredibly low price of only £9,99.
ASHES2BRICKS
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Bricks from human ashes For the past 8 years, we have offered a unique Ashes2bricksT service.
Your loved ones ashes will be mixed with quality cement, producing an average of eight standard bricks, these can then be taken home for use as a new doorstep for example, or donated to us.
Only £299.human brick suggestion
cement sack
We would like to thank all those who paid to have their loved ones remains added to our latest construction projects, we now have enough bricks to complete our new Geriatric home ahead of schedule.
Other projects included two toilet blocks, the vicar's mini cinema, and a huge sale of 10,000 bricks to Southampton city Council for its network of road calming schemes, and at £9,99 per brick was a nice little earner!human brick suggestion
Be sure to make your wishes known if you would like your own remains put to good use, our future plans include outdoor stairs, paved parking area and several internal partitions.
Our brick making factory in Netley near Southampton is open to the public and the building trade daily from 8.00 am to 6.00 pm.
We also have an on-site pet and medical waste cremator, bring along your dead pet for a swift and good value cremation, £99 for dogs, and £9,99 for cats, if you hang on you can take their ashes home after an hour, please do, we've got tons of the bloody stuff.
crematorium overflow department
Film Film
over 50 plan vicarage home cinema southampton shitty council human remains bricks cremated remains driveway
Film Film
CREMSULATION
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Cremsulation A new process developed by the Tenpasenta Industrial Group is cavity wall and loft insulation. These granules are a composite of leftover or donated cremated remains and the vicars secret recipe (asbestos).
We can't think of a better way to remember a loved one than to have them keeping you warm in the winter from within your own wall cavities or loft, obviously the amount of cremains required in an average house far exceeds a single person, maybe 10,000 more, but at least you'll never be lonely.
Special grants are available from the government which could cover the installation cost of the Cremsulation.
cremated remains in loft
cremated remains cremsulation cavity wall insulation
CHILD BOLLARDS
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Child bollards The death of a child is a terrible event, especially for the child, but here at Tenpasenta Premium funerals, we offer yet another unique service.
CHILD BOLLARDS, these bollards are made with reinforced cement mixed with the child's ashes, each bollard has a look, based on the deceased child's actual features, and we even aim to get the ethnicity correct too.CryptAdvisor
You will find these bollards outside school gates to tell drivers when to slow down, and not add more children to the collection. We have several spare child bollards located outside our retirement and geriatric homes, they give the residents something to think about, many wonder what they are doing, some even bring them sweets.
The bereaved will be told where their child's bollard is located so that they can make regular visits and admire our handy work or leave flowers. Only £1,000 each.
WORDS OF ADVICE
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If you are in any doubt as what to do with the remains make sure that our Crematorium staff are instructed to hold the ashes until you decide.
The scattering of ashes is generally an irrevocable act and has often bought regret and distress to families that did not understand the terminology or sequence of events.
Our sincere advice is to take time to consider the various options and only after you understand all the choices open to you, then make that decision.

DO NOT BE RUSHED INTO A DECISION
THAT YOU OR YOUR FAMILY MAY REGRET IN THE FUTURE, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND DON'T WAIT FOREVER.
Hearse with mark the vicar
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