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Premium Funerals
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Making life's final journey better than other people's

FAKE MOURNING

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tissues for tears Make the most of your public mourning with Tenpasenta funeral tissues.
Our unique onion juice formula will stimulate those tears of sorrow, ideal for those who know they're in for a nice little earner from the dearly departed ones Will.
ONLY £3,99 for a box of 10 3ply tissues.
onion powder

FAKE TEARS IN A BOTTLE

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Fake funeral tears
Funeral tears in a bottle Sometimes the funeral of an ex-partner is difficult, especially if you have trouble feeling sympathy, this is why Tenpasenta Premium fake tear-drops come in.
Fool their family and friends into thinking you're truly sad without the use of long-lasting onion tissues
Our tear-drops come in three sizes so you can be sure your mourning will impress, right up until you cash the life insurance cheque.
£9,99-£39,99 per bottle.

FUNERAL DVD

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Funeral on DVD

Premium funerals are now available to buy on DVD for your family's entertainment. Never forget a moment of your loved one's departure, see behind the scenes as we follow their journey from the mortuary to the grave, if they are to be cremated you can watch in awe as their remains are engulfed in the ruthless flames of the cremator.
Only £499.
Get the Blu-ray version in full 1080p HD that has our directors cut with unseen Extras including:
Funny out-takes,
Commentaries from those involved,
Pallbearer-cam,
and even an alternative ending!
Only £299 extra.

3D now available!!
Only £499 extra.
A compatible 3D television is required apparently.

3D glasses
funeral service app Bereavement tax included
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BOOK OF REMEMBRANCE

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Books of Remembrance Full details of our splendid Books of Remembrance deals are on our external Tenpasenta Church of England site. The book itself is based at our main funeral shop in Woolston on the first floor by the loos.
disabled access via stairs
MEMORIAL BENCH
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dead in public convenience For only £2,499 you can dedicate a beautifully hand-crafted in China granite-style cement-based bench.
These useful memorials will be placed at handy locations around the Tenpasenta estate, ideal for a tired member of staff to have a rest, or maybe even a member of the public.
We have situated two benches conveniently outside our newly British builtmemorial bench public convenience, made with 10% Ashes2bricks.
Real Quality.
bereavement tax
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funeral plans
 
COFFIN KNICKERS
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coffin knickers coffin socks choose your own coffin pants
coffin knickers coffin sleeves
One funeral garment often neglected is fluid-proof coffin knickers and other unusual under apparel. As the body decays the last thing you want is seepage ruining smart new funeral clothes or gown you've just purchased. Don't bank on the fact that the body may have been half pickled, and that every cavity and orifice has been bunged up with wadding and other absorbent products, leaks do happen.
The addition of fluid-resistant underwear is a must for any fashion conscious corpse.
These beautiful hand-fitted items should be ordered before the embalming process, though often fitted as normal practice for free ordering early will give you a choice of colour and could guarantee a full matching set, which is nice.
EMBALMING
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Have your dead relative enjoy one of our quality embalming suites, we have over ten available that offer employment to newly qualified embalmers from all over Southampton.
This process though not 100% necessary does bring in a nice little profit for us, so we recommend it be done in every case, we know the main reason it's done is for hygiene reasons to protect us from nasty germs, but if we can charge you for it all the better.
If you wish the body to be viewed at our drive-thru chapel of rest then this process should be done without thought of cost, ugly melting grey/green bloated bodies are not a nice way to remember a loved one, although those who do like this look can watch their relative decompose via coffincam, a great innovation for the morbid and curious mourner.
cadaver with Livor mortis cadaver with Livor mortis
EMBALMING PROCESS
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embalming
PRESIDENTIAL EMBALMING
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presidential range of embalming fluids
Premium funeral customers expect the best from us, and that includes arterial fluids. Our home-brewed Presidential range of embalming fluids offer the deceased to get that presidential glow which has been a feature of recent presidents, you may ask why we don't have a range of British Prime ministers, well we're trying to enter the huge American market and they're not to keen on offerings such as John Major grey. We can blend these quality fluids to resemble their own body tone, but as it's their last chance to try something new why not? These fluids have the presidential seal of approval and a huge price to match, guaranteed to keep the body natural-looking, fresh smelling and hygienic for up to 5 years, proven by Coffin cam users.
We currently offer the following colours of Presidents:
  • Clinton Nose Red
  • Bush Pallid
  • Obama Tan
  • Trump Orange
  • £199 per bottle.
EFFECTS OF EMBALMING
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Exhumed body that had been embalmed
CryptAdvisorFrom the image above you can see how great our embalming process is, apart from the mould on exposed parts you'd think this person wasn't dead, even after 10 months of being planted.
If you think your loved one will be exhumed at some point we recommend vacuum packing on top of the full embalming process.
Vacuum storage bag body coffin
Buy 10 Vacuum bags and get1 Free!

ONLY £99

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BODY PART CASTS
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face casting Death mask
What better way to remember your loved one, than by paying us to make a cast of their distinguishing features into a lovely Death-mask to put on your wall. This has been popular for centuries, and even in these days of digital photography, it's still fairly popular, especially amongst the blind who like to keep their loved ones face cast on a handy shelf or shoebox under the bed, this must bring great comfort.
We recommend that casts not be done on the long-dead or crash victims with facial damage, the results could scare relatives shitless finding that on the mantelpiece, especially if you go for the fully painted version.
We do offer a pre-death service, but how you know when to come in just before you die is a trick we've never learned, why not come in every year for a new cast and keep up to date.
Only £599.
Hand casts Fancy hand casting If you choose hand casting, we can manipulate the deceased person's hands into a variety of amusing positions, a list of which is available on request.
The hand-cast is a great opportunity to study the lines of the palm, and work out if that lifeline idea is real, telling you just how long you could have left to live and plan your own funeral and hand casting.
If the deceased had only one hand or less, we can take casts of their stumps instead, this will let you scare the crap out of people when you stick it out of your sleeve to shake a hand.
Only £399.
Penis casting
Penis casting is a very popular choice with ladies and homosexuals alike, keep it hidden in your sock drawer for those lonely nights of grief ahead.
With careful use of very high-pressure embalming fluid, we can cast an erect member that is of the maximum size possible, this can be up to 10% larger than his erection was during life, 2, 3 or 4 AA batteries will be required to benefit from the embedded vibrating unit installed into a deluxe cast. All men are not made equal and larger batteries may be required, although a car battery is just boasting.
Why not try from our large selection we have in stock instead, you may find a nicer looking one, last chicken in the shop has never been a good look.
From only £99
Boob Jiggle before cast Flexible boob casts
Breast cast is is recommend by Mark the vicar and are always best done while the lady is living, it will not affect the final result had they been deceased but it does make the manufacturing process more enjoyable.
You can select from plaster or the excellent latex variable size ones for a "natural feel", just fill with warm water from the tap, a great way to remember a loved one. This may sound a cruel and tasteless comment but had undergone a mastectomy I shouldn't bother.
Clay/plaster cast only £99.
Natural latex cast only £499 or on the discretion of Mark the vicar free, he will even pay them a handling charge.
We no longer offer vaginal casts due to unsatisfactory results looking more like kebab shop adverts, however cervical dilation models are available to hire from our maternity unit training department for weekend use only £44,99.
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NECROFILIA
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Death erection or Angel lust is a very common Priapism occurrence at death, most noticeable in men.
This is an opportunity not to be missed, this will be your last chance to have full sexual intimacy with your dearly departed husband or boyfriend.
If we notice a full erection or usable semi, we will let you know immediately so that you have a last chance to have that final knee-trembler with your loved one while warm.
We will leave you alone in our luxurious mortuary for up to twenty minutes, if you're still at it after this time we may begin the embalming anyway, which to be honest will engorge the penis back to it's largest possible size thanks to high-pressure fluids.
You're never too old to enjoy a fulfilling sex life, in this case even after death.
Quote our booking code: GEEZERS IN FREEZERS
Angel lust sex
DIGNITAS GIFT CARD
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Dignitas voucher Have you ever had your dog put to sleep because of excess wind problems? Now do the same thing for your loved one.
This is the ultimate gift for the man or woman who thinks they have everything, Assisted Suicide. That'll give them something to think about on their birthday.
We include one return and one single economy flight to Switzerland, complementary cheap Champagne containing barbiturates in a marked bottle should get the birthday party on the go upon arrival, in their dazed state they will be happy enough to sign all the forms necessary, make sure they have signed their latest Will first. Once they have finished choking to death give us a call, and we will have them DHL'd back to Southampton for the inclusive funeral.
A Dignitas gift voucher is only £24,999.
Pop in at your convenience and arrange somebody else's suicide!
We've taken the ass out of Dignitas
DESECRATION TO ORDER
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As part of our Premium Unloved service, we are proud to offer grave desecration to order. You do not need to be related to the deceased in any way, we have desecration permits that cover the whole of the British Isles, Ireland and parts of Hawaii.
£2,499 will buy you a no questions asked grave desecration, additional 1st class travelling expenses from Southampton will be added once the grave location has been revealed to us.
This is not an in and out quick service, a maximum of ten minutes on-site with a sledgehammer is all that we require or offered, this is sufficient to give the grave a Professional "gone over" look that should guarantee exposure in the local newspaper!
We do not offer a swastika painting service on Jewish graves, however for £9,999 we can exhume any body and have them reburied in the Nazi section of our cemetery here in Southampton, which is fairly unique.
Grave desacration to order
REPATRIATION SERVICE
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It's a sad fact than many people inconveniently die while abroad, dirty old men who get over-excited in sleazy parts of Thailand for example.
We offer a repatriation service for the deceased that stands head and shoulders above many corpse repatriation firms. By using a convenient loophole in airlines accompanied parcels regulations we can use the deceased as a courier, not only will the body be repatriated in good time but you could also benefit from some nice duty-free goods, bodies with up to one months decay can be sent from the originating country. Each parcel is given a tracking number you can go online and see when your loved one has arrived at the courier's depot for collection, or you can meet the deceased at Heathrow arrivals or we can bring them into our care.
72hr, 96hr and 120-hour repatriations are available, we have a slower and cheaper overland option, however, we cannot guarantee that the loved one will be fit for a family viewing after four weeks or more on the road or international container vessel. For example repatriation from Thailand including paperwork is £2,499. If your deseased relative lived in an African nation they can be sent to us in the undercarriage of their national airline where they will be delivered somwhere between Clapham and Feltham.
cadaver repatriation service
cadaver repatriation service cadaver repatriation service
SMART HEADSTONE
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Mark Collyer epitath on funeral app QR codes on headstones link you to our online epitaph of your chosen loved one, you can add our QR codes to any headstone old or new, show images and details of your loved ones life, details that you could never pack onto a traditional headstone. Don't pay monumental masons a fortune for engraving words in stone, instead pay us a ludicrous amount for a simple QR sticker and web page. All for only £299.
(A mobile internet connection is required when viewing from a cemetery.)
Try the QR code below for an example page.
headstone QR codes
QR Grave identification headstone QR codes
MEMENTO
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My old dog We offer a memento service, this is where you can put personal items into the coffin with your dearly departed, rules are quite strict for cremations, however most things are fair game with burials, the more interesting the better, especially if you expect the body to be exhumed by a future Time Team or even real archaeologists.
Common items often include family photographs, old love letters, memorable jewellery, old credit card bills and even a mobile phone (just in case).
Please be sure that you have selected a soundproof coffin or casket if you are intending to put in their beloved annoying pet, the sound of an animal crying from within the coffin during the funeral service can prove to be distressing for the other mourners.
maglite for coffins
ELDERLY PERSON PROBLEM SOLVER
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Elderly people can be a financial liability when they keep going on and on.
Having an elderly relative who refuses to pass on can be a damn nuisance, especially if they are spending your inheritance on geriatric care like ours, years of visiting a friend or relative with dementia can be like a total waste of time, this is why we sell specially rigged LIFEPAK, BiPhasic, AED Defibrillators for only £2,499!
When you decide enough is enough simply use the defibrillators hefty 50k volt rigged charge to stop their heart instantly, our free instruction video based on a Marigold advert will explain how to protect yourself from the charge and instant death.
A the will display an authentic looking graph and print it to show the ambulance crew, making you look a hero who tried their best.
Death hastening
heart monitor after death LIFEPAK
Donate to Mark with PayPal to sustain these sites, he's unemployed and every penny counts. Thank you
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