Go green
Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious
vicars_animated
Tenpasenta Church home
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BURIAL CREMATION GREEN QUALITY
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Making life's final journey better than other people's
AQUAMATION
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water cremation
water cremation additive Aquamation (water cremation) will first see you or your loved one boiled down to bone in an alkaline solution. The liquid is flushed into the sewer system, and the bones are reduced to powder and given to the family.
We have a viewing point outdoors for a final goodbye, be warned that the soup produced does attract rats.
We come from fluid, we return to fluid.
final goodbye to body after water cremation
ECON
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Fed up with the Green Brigade pushing their ideals into every corner of our lives? That's why we have developed the new E-con coffin cover, these poorly made cardboard boxes will enclose even the most expensive golden casket, giving onlookers the impression that a green burial is in progress, little knowing that within is a Premium funeral customer giving the finger to the eco-warriors with this great eco con. £399.
cardboard coffin with liner econ coffin inside cardboard coffin
Premium Funerals logo enclosed expensive coffin inside budget cardboard coffin thumbs up
   
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NATURAL
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Here at Tenpasenta Church Premium funerals, we enjoy taking advantage of money-making opportunities, however when it comes to environmental issues we still have some ethics, true we do sell the all-new E-con coffin box (only £399), and we don't worry too much about the twenty-odd cubic metres of gas we use to cremate a body or any carbon emissions for that matter, we can't sSouthampton Shitty Councilee any of that, but what we can see is the damage that local councils are doing by their greed and mismanagement of cemeteries in our area, pack 'em in, pack 'em tight, then let the bereaved turn the grave into carnival stalls, with plastic flowers, LED lights, wind chimes and other childish paraphernalia. council cemetary
Tenpasenta church yard burial We have always felt that that older cemeteries and Churchyards like ours had a classic quality, somewhere you felt the dead really were at peace, something that cannot be said of newer temporary dumping grounds around the country like our budget Wotachytole run by our sister company for poor common types who deserve no better.
It is, for this reason, we at Premium funerals will not bury your loved one at council-run sites*, the fact that councils charge a fortune that could eat into our profits, and that local monumental masons will not agree to our 60/40 cut on headstones profits is of only minor consideration.
All of our current Premium burials are now Green**.
*However if a modern cemetery does appeal to you, our budget cemetery will be right up your street, visit our budget funerals site for details and we can have your loved one buried there at Premium prices.
**We do have some burial plots available around the church for a premium price, other burials are green in name only.
Tenpasenta Green burial grounds
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NEGLECT
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Our Green burial grounds are spread over five acres of relatively flat fields, each year we plant Christmas trees over most of the site leaving an area of beautifully cut lawns for our staff to picnic on during the summer months. However, if you feel a well-kept grave is not in keeping with your idea of a Green burial we offer a unique grave Neglect service.
For only £99 per year, we guarantee to neglect your loved one's grave, any signs of fresh flowers will be removed and the grass allowed to grow wild.Southampton Shitty Council
You can see an example of one of our many projects of neglect in Southampton, we have a lucrative contract worth £50,000 per annum with Southampton Shitty Council to neglect chosen parts of the Old Cemetery in Hill Lane.
We currently have 610 other neglect projects on-going around the country, with many more to follow.
vicar in graveyard
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Green
   
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