Bonus options
Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious		 vicars_animated
Tenpasenta Church home
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Making life's final journey better than other people's

FUNERAL LEAFLET
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leaflet if you are about to die Full details of all our Premier funeral products and prices are available in our informative So you're about to die leaflet.
We distribute these leaflets free of charge to all residential geriatric homes and hospices in the area.
Residential care staff will be pleased to learn that we offer 10% commission for all successful leads.
For your own free copy of So you're about to die send £5 and a self-addressed envelope to:
I was too lazy to come and get a leaflet,
Reverend Mark Collyer,
Tenpasenta Church Estate, 2014
Woolston,
Southampton.
So you're about to die leaflet Old lady reading funeral leaflet

BEREAVEMENT MAIL SERVICE
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Bereavement by post Welcome to the new Tenpasenta Bereavement Mail Service.
As we all know getting junk mail and bills through the post addressed to a deceased loved one can be very distressing, and getting this mail stopped can be difficult, moreover by stopping the mail by 100% could deprive you of some very handy cheque's or pension books, which would be a shame. CryptAdvisor
By signing up to the Tenpasenta Bereavement Mail Service means we will handle the deceased relatives mail for you. By redirecting their mail to us and sorting out the crap from lucrative money making opportunities, which we will then forward to you.
If we come across cash, in a birthday card for example, this may be liberated to help cover handling costs.
Each year we will review your account and advise you when only rubbish mail is being received, you can then authorise us to stop all their future mail once and for all.
Only £99 pa. CryptAdvisor		 Bereavement Mail Service
   
This site is not suitable for churchy types
 

SPECIAL FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS
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special bastard flower arrangement Tenpasenta Church funerals logo
For special flower arrangements contact us in advance, anything goes, £50 per letter*.
*It is customary for those who abbreviated their names use their full names at funerals....just saying.
R.I.P.
   
 

PREMIUM WAITING ROOM
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Funeral waiting room
We are proud to offer entrance to Mark the vicar's Golden drawing room to our Premium Funeral customers who purchased a coffin from our Celebrity range costing over £6,500.
Immediate family (up to 10) can gather in luxury 30 minutes before the due service, benefit from Sky TV and free limousine transport from the vicarage to Premium church on wet or cold days.
Drink in the Cock in hand pub
FUNERAL FLOWERS
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Beautiful funeral flower arrangement Funeral flowers starting prices
You may want to ask for flowers from family only and suggest that other mourners make donations to a nominated charity, us for example.
This is a great idea once you see how much flowers cost these days, in addition to the fact that many geriatric care homes have funeral flowers donated to them after a service for fellow residents, imagine the fear this brings the old folks as they become surrounded in coffin sprays and in deepest sympathy cards.
If you would like to order Funeral flowers, please use OutaFlora, the quality flower arranger, if only because we get the usual 10% commission!
OuterFlora
EARN COMMISSION
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coffin display in luxury Why not join our Premium door2door sales team?
Earn up to 10% commission on all of your coffin sales.
Sell to all of your family and workmates, and then when they're not interested go door to door.
When you become a coffin sales rep for Tenpasenta Premium Funerals you will be peddling the very best from our standard coffin range, we suggest you have access to an estate car for carrying a wide range of coffin lid samples.
Contact Mark the vicar for details. Premium Funerals logo
   
Shit HappensTenpasenta Church home
 
EARLY BODY VIEWING
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Selfies with the dead Not to be outdone by sister company Budget Funerals, we have opened our freezers for pre-viewing viewing. This will let you follow the process from start to end, ideal for your Social media feed, grandchildren can be on a one to one for the first time in 15 years.
Social Media Logos
Tenpasenta Church
   
SMALL PRINT PRICES
FUNERAL PRICES
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Premium Funerals
Service Fees Price
  • Single plot*
 £4,200,00
  • Child plot
 £600,50
  • *Single depth grave (7ft 6in by 3ft)
 £475,00
  • "Double" depth grave for future relative placement.
 £800,00
  • Child interment (4ft by 2tt)
 £350,00
Service Fees Price
  • Out of hours burial
 £180,00
  • Compulsory grave maintenance for the first year (this means we can run our lawn mower over the whole area without dodging plots that can make the place look untidy).
 £220,00
 
BURIAL PRICES
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Premium Funerals
Service fees Price
  • Cremation of an Adult, add £220 for fatties clean up in case of a boiling fat leaki.
 £1450,00
  • Non-Viable Foetus, stillborn & children up to and including 16 years of age coffin prices however will incur a £450,00 surcharge
 No charge!
  • * Saturday morning cremation - guaranteed service to be concluded by 12 noon
 £1,200,00
  • * Saturday afternoon cremation - guaranteed service to be concluded by 4 p.m.
 £1,750,00
  • * Sunday cremation - service to be concluded by 4 p.m.
 £1,870,00
  • Environmental Levy (not charged up to and including 16 years)
 £148,00
  • Use of chapel for just a memorial service. Any day including weekends.
 £465,00
  • Resting of a coffin prior to cremation in the cold room (overnight or part of a day)
 £85,00
Service fees Price
  • Rose bush / shrub and plaque for a period of twenty years
£4,500,00
  • Kerbs-tone and memorial plaque for a period of twenty years
£3,000,90
Service Fees Price
  • Scattering in the Garden of Remembrance whereby a cremation has taken place at Tenpasenta Premium Funerals Southampton, will be in mass/mixed hole..
No charge
  • Scattering whereby a cremation has taken place elsewhere
£199,00
  • Appointment with staff to rest cremated remains - weekdays
£87,00
  • Appointment with staff to rest cremated remains - Saturdays
£179,00
  • Appointment with staff to rest cremated remains - Sundays
£213,00
Service Fees Price
  • Rose bush 20 years
£280,00
  • Rose bush 10 years
£2,490,00
  • Rose bush 5 years
£1240,00
  • Garden bench for a period of 20 years
  • 4' bench and plaque (we reserve the right to dismantle any bench and put into landfill if we get too many)
£8,200,00
  • Columbarium (Internal) Sealed / Open niches for the great and the good
  • For a period of 20 years (sealed)
  • For a period of 20 years (open)
  • Ultra special niche room per year
£1,262,00 £1,418,00 £15.000.00
Service fees Price
  • Shrub / tree and plaque
    (choice of area may be restricted by limited space)

£1,566,00
  • Second / replacement plaques
£508,50
 
*Prices correct 01/01/2010 according to the co-op, premium customers should quadruple tiny displayed prices.
Donate to Mark with PayPal to sustain these sites, he's unemployed and every penny counts. Thank you
Fleet
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Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable..