Bonus options
Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious

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Making life's final journey better than other people's

FUNERAL LEAFLET

Full details of all our Premier funeral products and prices are available in our informative So you're about to die leaflet.
We distribute these leaflets free of charge to all residential geriatric homes and hospices in the area.
Residential care staff will be pleased to learn that we offer 10% commission for all successful leads.
For your own free copy of So you're about to die send £5 and a self-addressed envelope to:
I was too lazy to come and get a leaflet,
Reverend Mark Collyer,
Tenpasenta Church Estate,
Woolston,
Southampton.

BEREAVEMENT MAIL SERVICE

Welcome to the new Tenpasenta Bereavement Mail Service.
As we all know getting junk mail and bills through the post addressed to a deceased loved one can be very distressing, and getting this mail stopped can be difficult, moreover by stopping the mail by 100% could deprive you of some very handy cheque's or pension books, which would be a shame. CryptAdvisor

By signing up to the Tenpasenta Bereavement Mail Service means we will handle the deceased relatives mail for you. By redirecting their mail to us and sorting out the crap from lucrative money making opportunities, which we will then forward to you.
If we come across cash, in a birthday card for example, this may be liberated to help cover handling costs.
Each year we will review your account and advise you when only rubbish mail is being received, you can then authorise us to stop all their future mail once and for all.
Only £99 pa. CryptAdvisor

This site is not suitable for churchy types

SPECIAL FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS

For special flower arrangements contact us in advance, anything goes, £50 per letter*.
*It is customary for those who abbreviated their names use their full names at funerals....just saying.

PREMIUM WAITING ROOM

We are proud to offer entrance to Mark the vicar's Golden drawing room to our Premium Funeral customers who purchased a coffin from our Celebrity range costing over £6,500.
Immediate family (up to 10) can gather in luxury 30 minutes before the due service, benefit from Sky TV and free limousine transport from the vicarage to Premium church on wet or cold days.

FUNERAL FLOWERS


	You may want to ask for flowers from family only and suggest that other mourners make donations to a nominated charity, us for example. This is a great idea once you see how much flowers cost these days, in addition to the fact that many geriatric care homes have funeral flowers donated to them after a service for fellow residents, imagine the fear this brings the old folks as they become surrounded in coffin sprays and in deepest sympathy cards. If you would like to order Funeral flowers, please use OutaFlora, the quality flower arranger, if only because we get the usual 10% commission!

EARN COMMISSION

Why not join our Premium door2door sales team?
Earn up to 10% commission on all of your coffin sales.
Sell to all of your family and workmates, and then when they're not interested go door to door.
When you become a coffin sales rep for Tenpasenta Premium Funerals you will be peddling the very best from our standard coffin range, we suggest you have access to an estate car for carrying a wide range of coffin lid samples.
Contact Mark the vicar for details.

EARLY BODY VIEWING

	Not to be outdone by sister company Budget Funerals, we have opened our freezers for pre-viewing viewing. This will let you follow the process from start to end, ideal for your Social media feed, grandchildren can be on a one to one for the first time in 15 years.

ABOUT	COFFINS	URNS	EXTRAS
BURIAL	CREMATION	GREEN	QUALITY
VIEWING	FLEET	LIVING?	PLANS

Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable..