Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious
Tenpasenta Church home
Making life's final journey better than other people's


Funeral Plans
Upfront funeral insuranceIf you are on your last legs, or just don't trust your family to give you a good send-off, why not pop into our Bitterne branch, and sign up to one of our UPFRONT. prepaid funeral prepayment plans.
These simple plans will cover all costs involved in having you disposed of either by cremation or green burial.
Feel free to go through our catalogue of headstones and coffins, even pick the style of hearse you'd like, kid yourself into thinking we're actually going to use any of it, remember that inflation can, and will affect your payment plan, what would buy you a full funeral today may only pay for a pair of fluid-resistant coffin knickers in 30 years time, pay us much more if you can, and possibly guarantee what you choose is what you get.
If you have surviving family who will be attending your funeral, rest assured that they will see all of the great funerary items you have bought in advance with your UPFRONT. funeral plan, many may be surprised however at what cheap crap you chose.
We will tell you after your death during the possible embalming the actual cash value of your UPFRONT. premium, so no excuse in saying you were not warned.

You can pay us monthly with an UPFRONT+. payment plan (APR 210.3%) however if you were to die before paying the minimum £1,999, you can go whistle, no refunds. Visit our budget funerals page for under payment options. Choose the right plan for you: Gold, Silver or Bronze.
buy your afterlife here
This site is not suitable for churchy types


From only £10,000 buys you GOLD which includes:
Funeral Directors services and arrangements.
Bringing the deceased to our death warehouse at a time to suit you.
Provision of a coffin to the value of £1,600* fully fitted and lined not with the cheap stuff.
Special requirements regarding clothing will be fully adhered to; alternatively, we can dress them in one of our fantastic funerary garments at an additional cost.
Hygienic treatment to ensure the body is preserved to such a high specification that should the body be exhumed within 50 years they would still be recognisable as human remains.
24-hour access to our automated drive-thru chapel of rest.
Provision of Hearse and six pallbearers, 8 official mourners and two crying ladies (limited choice of ethnicity).
This Plan does not include disbursements but does include crematorium/chapel/Premium Church, additional up to 10 limousines, flowers, an available vicar dressed for the part.
Obituaries etc., can all be arranged at an additional cost.
*If a higher-priced coffin is desired, just subtract £1,610 from the cost from that new price.
You can pay us monthly with an UPFRONT+ payment plan (APR 210.3%) however if you were to die before paying the minimum amount you can go whistle, you'll get a service to the value of your contributions plus 10% annoyance fee.
Mark the vicar in fancy dress
Rolls Royce hearses hearse with tv
CoffinCam Coffin Camera Coffin Cam
Mum Grandad Uncle Giles
New for 2020 Coffincam app
Complementary CoffinCam App
with our Gold standard plan.
buy your afterlife here


Upfront funeral insuranceNot so hot, but popular SILVER:
From only £4,999 buys you:
Funeral Directors services and arrangements.
Collection of the deceased bringing them into our care at the death warehouse. (During Office Hours Only)
Provision of 1 basic Cheapskate coffin, fully fitted and lined (worth £500!).
Any special requirements regarding clothing will be considered but not acted upon; alternatively, we can dress them in one of our basic gowns, otherwise known as The Sheet.
Hygienic treatment to ensure the body is safe for us to handle.
Some time restrictions on visits to our 24-hour drive-thru chapel of rest (21.00-07.00).
Provision of Hearse and three pallbearers.
A basic cremation or woodland burial.
This Plan does not include any disbursements.
Additional limousines, flowers, obituaries, etc., can be arranged at an additional cost, that will bump it up a bit.
Many people on low incomes (except pensioners) may be entitled to a Bereavement Payment of around £2,000, you would be surprised by just how many of our funerals come to that very amount (see below), we suggest that you use this £2,000 as a starting point for calculating costs, degrees of extra fanciness should be added to suit your budget and your personal feelings of the deceased persons worth.
Jaguar XJ hearse Mercedes funeral fleet
buy your afterlife here


Upfront funeral insuranceEven Premium Funerals start somewhere and our Bronze plan is that starting point.
Direct Disposition is by far our favourite.
From only £3,300.
Once the deceased is in our hands we do everything, there will be no formal service before a cremation, in fact there will be no involvement of any surviving family members. Ideal for single people, or lonely and neglected geriatrics. You could consider our new service Direct+.
We will take the body for disposition at a convenient time for us, once all proper paperwork is completed.
This Plan does not include any disbursements.
Mercedes private ambulance
UpfrontThis isn't really a plan, but more of an option, £2,000.
We handle many unwanted dead from care homes and councils around the southern counties. They like to pay bottom dollar for their funerals, but also like to be seen doing the right thing by providing average coffins.
We bury the dead in our Wotachytole cemetery or soon to open high rise graves. This option is similar to our Bronze plan but the deceased will be buried with up to 16 others in unmarked bulk grave or vault for 25 years, before being disinterred and cremated, this gives time for any relatives to arrange a proper burial in the future if they wish (never happens).
This is no cheaper than the Bronze option, but it will mean the loved one will not be alone after death which could compensate for being alone during life.
Budget funeral bulk hearse
Tenpasenta Church
buy your afterlife here
Funeral Disbursements: Crematorium fees and related disbursements/gratuities-of around £560.Untrusted insurance
Medical certification fees: £215 (unless issued without charge by HM Coroner) ensure the death was certified by two independent doctors before ordering a cremation, they'll charge about £110 each, but without it, we will all be standing around looking silly on the day of the funeral.
Removal of Pacemaker or other prosthetic devices: £70.
Emergency Afterlife cover available to all premium customers for only £10,000 cash!
Buying a coffin ahead of your death is a great way to save money, you will even get a smart coffee table to talk about with your friends. But please don't do it. Thinking that you have been clever by cutting the funeral director's profits could come back and hit you in the face.
Albert Driver was one such clever clogs cheapskate customer. His wife called us to say that her husband was ready to collect and that he was already in his coffin. Bloody cheek.
We sent two lads around with instructions to carry him out of sight and arrange his delivery too.
Job done, he never arrived.
Coffin at bus stop
Seen it cheaper?
Jaguarxj hearse Fitness coffin Funeral flowers white
Top Hearse. Top Coffin. Top Floral tributes.
UpfrontOur new CHARADE funeral option (this is a cremation only service) is a real must-have for those wanting to look after their inheritance yet give the impression of spending a large slice of it on a spectacular looking funeral.
The deceased will remain in our care from the first minute, it will be sent to the crematorium in a cardboard coffin and disposed of at a suitable time for us.
However, on your chosen funeral day we will rent you a luxury hearse, rent you a luxury (weighted) coffin, and a luxury spray of flowers with your name on it. The funeral will then go ahead as normal, mourners will be amazed at the luxury funeral going on before their eyes, little knowing the deceased may have been cremated two days earlier, or even still lounging in a refrigerator for another week.
We do 8 of these charade funerals every other Thursday, so be sure all your mourners have moved on to the wake within 1 hour, or else they will see the same hearse, coffin and flowers arrive with a new set of mourners and a new name. The Charade will give you a £6,999 funeral for only £7,999, a bargain if ever we saw one!
Why not hire one or more of our professional mourners.
Costing only £110 per mourner for up to one hour, they will turn any funeral into a truly sad occasion. Chosen for their expert facial expressions and on cue sobbing.
Ask to browse our catalogue of faces when you plan your funeral.
For some strange reason, they are all from North Korea, the home of fake mourners.
professional mourners professional mourners
Dying patient southampton Morgue waiting room.
UpfrontMany rich people deserve extra care in their last hours because having money means they are far better than anybody else.Maybach Key Chain
We understand that because they will have a big ego to be pandered to they will have purchased an expensive car to be seen getting around in, these cars hold a special place in their heart as it reflects their own self-importance. Can you imagine a worse ending for a rich person, than to be seen arriving at our Premium funerals mortuary in one of our cheap old 2018 Mercedes Benz removal ambulances? No, nor us.
So if you are rich and about to die and are still able to drive yourself, not only will you qualify for free parking but a cup of tea too, for this unique service all we ask is that you leave your keys and the signed over to us Logbook at the reception. Our staff will then lead you to the dedicated mortuary waiting room where nature will eventually take its course.
Imagine the pleasure it will bring in knowing that you were never seen being transported in a fashion only poorer scumbags deserve.
Those reading this who are not dying may be interested in purchasing a quality used car from our sister company
Find all the top marques at Mark's Mortuary Motors, finance available.
Aston Martin DB5
Marks motors Southampton
marks mobility store Southampton
Marks mobility Southampton walking frames scrap aluminium southampton
Due to the high mortality rates at our geriatric care home we are able to offer many aluminium products ideal for yourself or an elderly loved one, prices start at £10 per item or £600 per ton scrap
funeral plan advert banner
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Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable..