Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious
Tenpasenta Church home
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Funeral Plans
UpfrontIf you are on your last legs, or just don't trust your family to give you a good send off, why not pop into our Bitterne branch, and sign up to one of our our UPFRONT. prepaid funeral prepayment plans.
These simple plans will cover all costs involved in having you disposed of either by cremation or green burial.
Feel free to go through our catalogue of headstones and coffins, even pick the style of hearse you'd like, kid yourself into thinking we're actually going to use any of it, remember that inflation can, and will effect your payment plan, what would buy you a full funeral today may only pay for a pair of fluid resistant coffin knickers in 30 years time, pay us much more if you can, and possibly guarantee what you choose is what you get.
If you have surviving family who will be attending your funeral, rest assured that they will see all of the great funerary items you have bought in advance with your UPFRONT. funeral plan, many may be surprised however at what cheap crap you actually chose.
We will tell you after your death during the possible embalming the actual cash value of your UPFRONT. premium, so no excuse inUntrusted insurance saying you were not warned.

You can pay us monthly with an UPFRONT+. payment plan (APR 210.3%) however if you were to die before paying the minimum 2010 , you can go whistle, no refunds. Visit our budget funerals page for under payment options. Choose the right plan for you: Gold, Silver or Bronze.
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UpfrontFrom only 10,000 buys you GOLD:
Funeral Directors services and arrangements.
Collection of the deceased bringing them into our death warehouse. (Any time of day is good for us on this plan!)
Provision of a coffin to the value of 1600* fully fitted and lined (Not with the cheap stuff).
Any special requirements regarding clothing will be adhered to; alternatively we can dress them in one of our fantastic funerary garments at no extra cost.
Hygienic treatment to ensure the body is preserved to such a high specification that should the body be exhumed within 50 years they would still be recognisable as human.
No time restrictions on visits to our 24 hour drive thru chapel of rest.
Provision of Hearse and six Pall Bearers, 8 official mourners and two crying ladies (limited choice of ethnicity).
This Plan does not include disbursements, but does include crematorium/chapel/Premium Church, additional limousines(up to 10) and flowers (1) plus an available vicar dressed for the part.
Obituaries etc., can all be arranged at an additional cost.
*If a higher priced coffin is desired, just subtract 1610 from that coffins cost.
Mark the vicar
Rolls hearses hearse tv
CoffinCam Coffin Camera Coffin Camera
Mum Grandad Uncle Giles
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UpfrontNot so hot, but popular SILVER:
From only 4910 buys you:
Funeral Directors services and arrangements.
Collection of the deceased bringing them into our care at the death warehouse. (During Office Hours Only)
Provision of 1 basic Cheapskate coffin, fully fitted and lined (worth 500!).
Any special requirements regarding clothing will be considered but not acted upon; alternatively we can dress them in one of our basic gowns, otherwise known as The Sheet.
Hygienic treatment to ensure the body is safe for us to handle.
Some time restrictions on visits to our 24 hour drive thru chapel of rest (21.00-07.00).
Provision of Hearse and three Pall Bearers.
A basic cremation or woodland burial.
This Plan does not include any disbursements.
Additional limousines, flowers, obituaries, etc., can be arranged at an additional cost, that will bump it up a bit.
Many people on low incomes (except pensioners) may be entitled to a Bereavement Payment of around 2000
, you would be surprised by just how many of our funerals come to that very amount (see below), we suggest that you use this 2000 as a starting point for calculating costs, degrees of extra fanciness should be added to suit your budget and your personal feelings of the deceased persons worth.
Vauxhall hearse silver plan
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UpfrontEven Premium Funerals start somewhere and our Bronze plan is that starting point.
Direct Disposition is by far our favourite.
From only 3300:
Once the deceased is in our hands we do everything, there will be no formal service before a cremation, in fact there will be no involvement of any surviving family members. Ideal for single people, or lonely and neglected geriatrics.
We will take the body for disposition at a convenient time for us, once all proper paperwork is completed.
This Plan does not include any disbursements.
Mercedes private ambulance
UpfrontThis isn't really a plan, but an option, 2000.
We handle many unwanted dead from care homes and councils around the southern counties. They like to pay bottom dollar for their funerals, but also like to be seen doing the right thing by providing average coffins.
We bury the dead in our Wotachytole cemetery or soon to open high rise graves. This option is similar to our Bronze plan but the deceased will be buried with up to 16 others in unmarked bulk grave or vault for 25 years, before being disinterred and cremated, this gives time for any relatives to arrange a proper burial in the future if they wish (never happens).
This is no cheaper than the Bronze option, but it will mean the loved one will not be alone after death which could compensate for being alone during life.
Budget funeral hearse
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Funeral Disbursements: Crematorium fees and related disbursements / gratuities of around 560.Untrusted insurance
Medical certification fees: 215 (unless issued without charge by HM Coroner) ensure the death was certified by two independent doctors before ordering a cremation, they'll charge about 110 each, but without it we will all be standing around looking silly on the day of the funeral.
Removal of Pacemaker or other prosthetic devices: 70.10p.
Emergency Afterlife cover available to all premium customers for only 10,000 cash!
Buying a coffin ahead of your death is a great way to save money, you will even get a smart coffee table to talk about with your friends. But please don't do it. Thinking that you have been clever by cutting the funeral director's profits could come back and hit you in the face.
Albert Driver was one such clever clogs cheapskate customer. His wife called us to say that her husband was ready to collect, and that he was already in his coffin. Bloody cheek.
We sent two lads around with instructions to carry him out of sight and let him arrange his own delivery too.
Job done, he never arrived.
Seen it cheaper
Jaguar hearse Fitness flowers
Top Hearse. Top Coffin. Top Floral tributes.
UpfrontOur new CHARADE funeral option (this is a cremation only service) is a real must have for those wanting to look after their inheritance yet give the impression of spending a large slice of it on a spectacular looking funeral.
The deceased will remain in our care from the first minute, it will be sent to the crematorium in a cardboard coffin and disposed of at a suitable time for us.
However on your chosen funeral day we will rent you a luxury hearse, rent you a luxury (weighted) coffin, and a luxury spray of flowers with your name on it. The funeral will then go ahead as normal, mourners will be amazed at the luxury funeral going on before their eyes, little knowing the the deceased may have been cremated two days earlier, or even still lounging in a refrigerator for another week.
We do 8 of these charade funerals every other Thursday, so be sure all your mourners have moved on to the wake within 1 hour, or else they will see the same hearse, coffin and flowers arrive with a new set of mourners and a new name. The Charade will give you a 7010 funeral for only 6810, a bargain if ever we saw one!
Why not hire one or more of our professional mourners.
Costing only 110 per mourner for up to one hour, they will turn any funeral into a truly sad occasion. Chosen for their expert facial expressions and on cue sobbing.
Ask to browse our catalogue of faces when you plan your funeral.
For some strange reason they are all from North Korea, the home of fake mourners.
Mourners Rental mourners
Dying patient southampton Waiting room
UpfrontMany rich people deserve extra care in their last hours because having money means they are far better than anybody else.Bentley key
We understand that because they will have a big ego to be pandered to they will have purchased an expensive car to be seen getting around in, these cars hold a special place in their heart as it reflects their own self importance. Can you imagine a worse ending for a rich person, than to be seen arriving at our Premium funerals mortuary in one of our cheap old 2017 Mercedes Benz removal ambulances? No, nor us.
So if you are rich and about to die and are still able to drive yourself, not only will you qualify for free parking but a cup of tea too, for this unique service all we ask is that you leave your keys and the signed over to us Log book at the reception. Our staff will then lead you to the dedicated mortuary waiting room where nature will eventually take its course.
Imagine the pleasure it will bring in knowing that you were never seen being transported in a fashion only poorer scumbags deserve.
Those reading this who are not dying may be interested in purchasing a quality used car from our sister company
Find all the top marques at Mark's Mortuary Motors, finance available.
UpfrontAt Premium funerals we have joined hands our sister business Budget funerals to offer a value funeral with a premium touch the ex-wealthy have grown accustomed to.
Unlike direct plans offered by cheapskate funeral directors, we allow one visitor to attend the funeral service if they'd like, maybe a neighbour, a care nurse or passing vagrant who fancies getting indoors on a cold day.
We provide transportation of the deceased from any hospital or mortuary in England or Wales to our facility in Southampton, we will unload the van at one of our beautiful chapels just in case someone turns up, if they do we'll play a random tune from our vast collection, it'll be a short one as on a busy day we can unload one coffin every 3 minutes.
Direct Funerals+ is the funeral of choice for tens of thousands, don't miss out on this unique service.
Prices start at only 5,000 plus disbursements Larger clients attract a 250 surcharge. Email the vicar for a quote, remember to say how wealthy the deceased was, this can greatly effect the cost he will charge the estate.
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