Quality Funeral care

Quality production
Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious

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Making life's final journey better than other people's

MATERIALS USED

All of our premium coffins reach the very minimum construction standards required by any disposable box. You can rest assured that the deceased will be laid to rest in one of the best quality coffins available from our storeroom, no matter what price paid, all of our coffins use the same basic materials, wood veneered chipboard and galvanised Screws and pins.
Our chipboard panels are made from the finest wood chips brushed from the highest quality sawmill floors in China.
It is the skill involved in selecting veneer styles for each coffin with wood effects from around the world that dictates the price you pay, cheap wood effects like pine will be at the lower price range, whereas a rain forest sourced effect like teak will be beyond the pocket of many.

Each coffin comes fitted with brass effect handles that we charge only 10% of the cost of real brass. These moulded plastic handles can withstand the very hardest of looking at, they are cremator safe too which saves our operatives time taking off real ones for us to resell.
We always keep good stocks of cheap coffins, even the richest of clients gag at our best coffin prices. Remember, the person in the box couldn't care less what the coffin cost, but if you do need to impress your invited friends and relatives we have the coffin or American style casket for you in stock.

Many of our coffins are hand assembled at our Hedge End coffin factory and distributed countrywide to other less prestigious funeral directors, this is not public knowledge so don't tell anyone. CryptAdvisor

WORK ENVIRONMENT

It's very important to our staff that they work in luxurious conditions, in fact, the nicest surroundings of any major funeral director. With this thinking, it's also been noticed that the deceased in our care are also in luxurious surroundings enabling us to add a hefty premium to the funeral cost.
Behind the scenes of funeral care is often overlooked or misunderstood, we at the Tenpasenta group Premium funeral division will never mislead its customers over just how luxurious our after-death care is and charge accordingly.
For example, all of our fridges are guaranteed frost-free, which is nice. The photo left is of our typical premium mortuary, we have six like this.

This site is not suitable for churchy types

AUTOPSIES

If you require a second autopsy for your loved one, maybe for a lucrative insurance claim, we are the people to come to. We have a 10% success rate in finding alternative causes of death. £899.
NO WIN NO FEE.
Our skilled Premium autopsy team can work for either the family, or the insurance company, in this situation we operate a Sealed Bid auction, this is the fairest way to determine the appropriate outcome, well it works best financially for us.
After the "Post post-mortem" is done, and no more legal problems are envisaged, we can then go ahead with a Premium "posted" embalming.
Posted embalming can involve a lot of cavity filler, and the embalming fluid can be a little difficult, we like to highlight these potential problems so that we can increase the price, it's all the same to us to be honest.
We have a special Butterball freezer for all those corpses that will be in our care for some time, some inquests can take months or even years. Be aware that your dearly departed could still be frozen solid on the day of being cremated, kind of ironic really.

COFFIN FITTING


Many elderly people develop a severely hunched back called kyphosis, as you can imagine fitting into a normal coffin can be a puzzle. Tenpasenta Premium funerals offer Shiatsu back pummelling, guaranteed to return the spine to its original state meaning a wooden lid can be used on the coffin instead of a bid of loose canvas. Kyphosis removal £99.

CLOTHING RANGE

Don't waste money on a standard funeral gown because they look no better than an old women's dressing gown from the 70's and not suitable for that trendy younger dead man for example, Premium Funerals are proud to Dead dressed in shroud

introduce the winter, spring, summer and autumn Funeral wear collection.
Don't let your loved one rot in anything but the best funerary wear. These specially designed outfits allow us to easily dress the departed, yet give a fantastic fashionable look while lying in an open coffin, get the name of your loved one or even the deceased embroidered too for only £30 extra, ideal for viewing by strangers.
By using only man-made fibres not only allows us to benefit from cheap manufacturer costs but also means that should there be an exhumation within 100 years the colours will still be vibrant.
We recommend these easily flammable garments for cremation too, in these days of environmental awareness having your departed one dressed in one of these garments will reduce gas consumption by up to 10%, even more, when combined with the body's natural combustibility. Well worth the extra cost, and increased profitability of the funeral to us.
As an example of our readiness to go the extra mile for our clients we had a wife viewing her husband just last week, she said that he was in his brown suit and that he had asked to be buried in his blue suit, we told her to leave it with us. Later that day she returned to see he husband, there he was in a blue suit, she said that was very good service, indeed, it just happened that earlier another lady had viewed her husband, he was dressed in a blue and had wanted to be buried in brown, so it was a simple job to swap the heads.

THE PRINCESS

	BE LIKE A PRINCESS
	LOOK LIKE A TWAT

THE PRINCESS £9,999

WITH FREE COFFIN HAT

This is a very popular choice for some reason, its timeless lines appeal to every age group, teens to trannies feel at home in this beautiful machine knitted garment based on clothes worn by Royalty, you will also qualify for the Beatrice Coffin Hat, ideal for filling the spare space in a longer coffin for the shorter woman.

THE FLEXABLE

	STAY FLEXABLE
		FREE SPORTS COFFIN

THE FLEXABLE £2,500

FREE SPORTS COFFIN

This classic Unitard is often recommended by canny family members as a gift for their elderly relative as it will become a great investment. for when they do finally croak just check out her wardrobe for this little number and you're quids in! Not only can you use it to dress them in it for burial or cremation, but you can claim the FREE Adidas Sports Coffin. RRP £199.

THE NORTHERNER

LOOK LIKE A
NORTHERNER

FREE
DOG RENTAL

THE NORTHERNER £6,999*

WITH FREE SAD DOG**

This is a great look for the sad old git who has passed away with no friends, dress up in the traditional costume of the Northern man about town. This great look comes with FREE sad dog rental, we have a selection of sad-looking dogs fully trained to walk by the hearse and sit beside the grave for up to 10 hours (except cremation), book early to avoid disappointment.

*Actual dog. **Whippets are not allowed south of Birmingham.

BURIAL GOWNS

Tenpasenta range of premium silk effect burial gowns.


THE PEACH £199	The PINK £99	THE WHITE £499

CUT ABOVE

You are very welcome to have your loved one buried or cremated in their own clothing, and when you've seen the price of our gowns we expect you will.
Clothing will be slit up the back before fitting, like all funeral directors we can't be arsed to handle bodies too much, especially the big fat ones, so if you had wanted any expensive clothing returned just before the funeral it will be damaged. CryptAdvisor

We have a box of precut shirts and trousers donated by furious women before a divorce, just £9,99 per set, quality and value, words not often used by us, hurry while stocks last.

AMERICAN STYLE

Hurricane Sandy forces coffins of the dead to rise up from the ground

Since interesting pictures were shown on TV of caskets that had been forced up by flood-waters in Texas, we've been getting requests for the same rugged-looking caskets to be added to our vast range of quality coffins.
We agree they look great, even after 10 years underground, so we imported two 196oz bronze lead-lined caskets from America for testing, but we encountered some problems:

Our first trial customer was a retired sumo wrestler, he was a bit on the large size but as these caskets are pretty generous in their dimensions we managed to squeeze him in. Straight away the weighty casket-body combo nearly crippled two of our four elderly pallbearers on the short walk up the hill from hearse to grave-site. It then pulled the remaining two old codgers into the grave as they tried to lower it. CryptAdvisor

We admit this was not a very dignified burial, although several mourners found the escapade quite amusing and we often appear on editions of "you've been framed" around the world, which is great advertising and we get £9,99 repeat fees.

The second casket had the lead lining removed as our staff refused to handle it until it was, however, weight was still an issue, but nowhere near the original 850kg, but still heavy.
It wasn't until the casket was wheeled into the cremation chapel that a big mistake was noticed.
The deceased Doctor Gupta Ashira had requested on his deathbed that his family buy the best coffin available, and as tradition dictated for them to personally charge his coffin into the cremator. But they choose the other remaining trial casket, and at £19,999 junior salesman Brian couldn't believe his luck and sold it to them no questions asked, the silly twat.

We hoped to get away with it by letting them charge their Father into the cremator then sodding off home, we'd then give them some spare ashes out of the bin the next day. But the family refused to leave until they saw the body burn to a crisp through the inspection hole. Only the fires of Hell could turn that high-grade metal casket to ashes, so we decided to concoct a story about a new "Green cremation" system, designed not to reduce the body to ash but into liquid instead, the same way my Mother could liquefy the toughest steak in her damn pressure cooker. Luckily they bought into this ridiculous notion and after five hours they happily took their Father away in two Thermos flasks and a bucket of pleasant-smelling soup.
That's one for the books!
We hear this flameless process will soon be available in several American states.

It was after these events that we decided to offer only two American caskets in our range, the "Bling" wooden casket which is full of exciting electronic gadgets, everything a dead VIP would or did die for, such as built-in DAB radio, satellite TV with 3D, broadband internet and more. Although suitable for cremation we advise burial only so that the deceased can benefit from these costly additions.
Our other casket the "Jackson" is a 10ct gold plated luxury casket with a huge mark-up meaning we can afford to rent extra handling equipment for the day of burial.

ITALIAN COFFIN SALE

Italian coffin extravaganza!
Our annual half-price Italian coffin day sale on March the 10 attracted relatives 1800 recently deceased and catholic funeral directors. This was our biggest mass funeral to date, with 48 more sold than last year.
Prices this year ranged from £1,399 to £2,399, an absolute bargain, no wonder many of our customers rest in our freezers for up to a year to take advantage of these great prices.
Reserve your funeral today for our next event on 10 March 2020, coffin prices will be released at Christmas to coincide with our Christmas tree sales rush.
Most of those purchased were only for their fancy lids, these make lovely wardrobe doors, the sky glowed orange as these fantastic but unwanted coffin parts burnt into the night on our pyres turning the Southampton skyline into how looked during the blitz, meraviglioso as the Eyeties say.

ABOUT	COFFINS	URNS	EXTRAS
BURIAL	CREMATION	GREEN	QUALITY
VIEWING	FLEET	LIVING?	PLANS

Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable..