Urns
Premium Funerals
For The Wealthy Or Generally Ostentatious

ABOUT	COFFINS	URNS	EXTRAS
BURIAL	CREMATION	GREEN	QUALITY
VIEWING	FLEET	LIVING?	PLANS

Premium ash receptacles, you've urned it!

QUALITY URNS

We stock normal-looking brass urns at inflated prices, whatever costs us £10 costs you £210.
Above Mark the vicar is holding a sample of our "normal" urns, choose left or right when ordering.
Premium Funerals, keeping it Simple.

DESIGNER URNS

The Tenpasenta Church is the only funeral specialist who select beautiful urns from manufacturers that don't specialise in trying to rip off the bereaved.
Our chosen urns are not the tatty mass-produced brass rubbish from India that many funeral directors like to sell at ridiculous prices (but they are available), but urns that look and feel like popular household items. These unique pieces of "art" are indistinguishable from the original item that they are based upon, even down to the original box they would have come in, even the receipt that would have come with it had we bought one on the day you ordered it.
Customers will feel happy in the knowledge that their loved one's ashes are resting in an item that does not send shivers down the spine of visiting house guests.

The Regular £210

The Racer £210

The Northern £210

The Steam £310

The Barrel £310

The Slow £310

The Fry £510

The Transistor £510

The Urn £510

DESIGNER URNS

Our latest line in Keepsakes are a sight to behold, we have found that many bereaved like to keep a sample of their loved one's ashes with them at all times, (mad?).
Many keepsakes offered by other funeral directors appear to be small and tacky. That's where our full-sized keepsakes break the mould by being able to hold all of the deceased person's ashes.
They look great and make an interesting talking point while out shopping or down the pub.
£210 Price does not include a chain.

UNUSUAL URN

This simple idea was suggested by the local Women's institute, why not keep a sample of your loved ones ashes inside one of our hand-crafted glass dildos, based on an original cast of Mark the vicars own penis (not to scale) this 12" piece of art will satisfy any mourning partner.
Why not add a little colour to the ashes for that personal touch (£10 extra).
Each dildo is half-filled with your loved ones remains to offer that little extra vibration if you opted for a vibration implant. We understand that the ashes are just crushed bone and none of the actual flesh you fell in love with remains, but it's the thought that counts as they penetrate you many years after their death.

URN CONVERSIONS


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After

After the first few weeks or days of grief, you may not want to be reminded of your loved ones sad demise, especially by looking at their cremated remains in an urn.
We offer a wide range of funeral urns that are designed to look like everyday objects, but if you had opted for a conventional urn we can customise them into useful objects that will not bring up sad memories.
Our most popular conversions are the "Tissue Box" only £210 and "The Vase" for only £310.

CHINESE URN

We have just received our new collection of Chinese vase style urns. It has taken our suppliers in Beijing 300 years to complete our order, the first vase-urn sample was "lost" 150 years ago, but it was recently "found" in London, then sold for £10 million Mark the vicar said that it was one of our most successful advertising campaigns to date, even though it has taken a few generations of Collyer's to come into fruition. Our large windfall will not mean any change to our business plan but may hasten the purchase of a large island in the British virgin islands to be called vicar Island.
You too can now buy one of our limited edition* Chinese urns at a knock-down price of only £10,000 each.
Visit our funeral office today and marvel at the imagined quality of these far from unique mass-produced pieces of art.
These urns will look great atop any bookcase or shelf, pure unadulterated funerary luxury.

£210,000*

THATCHER URN

Was your loved one a right wing nut job?
Did they support the Poll tax?
Were they happy when the Tories defeated the unions?
Yes?
Well now is the chance to buy our beautifully hand-crafted coal scuttle urn, "The Thatcher".
Your loved one will look stunning in this memento of Britain's coal mining industry.
You will have hours of beautiful memories to explain as you are asked time and time again "why a coal scuttle?" Only £999.
This is a limited time offer as most Margaret Thatcher fans will all be dead within twenty years, at which time it will be withdrawn from sale, buy now!

KEEPSAKE BOX

This high-gloss wedge shaped box clock offers a hinged cover with a photo frame. The sealed photo opening is 3-1/4".
A plate for engraving has been professionally engraved and mounted to the front, it conceals openings to securely store 2 keepsake capsules. The clock features a crystal glass effect face, a polished 9 carat gold tone, waterfall style bezel (whatever that is).
Finished in Rosewood Hall on preselected hardwood and veneers.
Dimensions: H 3" (7cm), W 5.5" (14cm), D 4.25" (11cm)

Unfortunately, due to a minor error, all of these fantastic Keepsakes come only with a lovely photo of Lord Sir Jimmy Savile, which has been secured for all time behind a unique form of glue repellent non-removable Gorilla glass, and hearing the recent scandal surround Lord Savile being repellent is a little ironic, luckily this memento does have a lovely engraved Tenpasenta logo.
Only £325 each, you'd be a damn fool not to buy one or two.
Remember in 70 years or so nobody cares what their dearly long-departed looked like anyway, and to be honest

most don't really care, I asked my kids if they would like to see a photo of their Grandma, they said no, and she's not dead yet.
Ancestry...what a load of bollocks.

COLUMBARIUM COMPLEX

If you choose cremation, and 10% of our customers do as they're too good to burn, why not take a look at our Premium subterranean columbarium for the Great and the Good. Thousands of niches to suit any premier budget, pictures are available on the main Tenpasenta Church site under Kids club.
Located in a special wing of our half-mile complex is an ultra-special niche room, these exclusive niches are priced from only £19,999 per year, and come with a guaranteed* no disinterment policy.

These resting places really are pure indulgence.
Have our beautiful bronze Goddess hold your urn it must be pre-booked one year in advance as it is so popular, this will cost £499 per day.

*Not guaranteed.

COLLECTION OF ASHES

Only the applicant for cremation can collect the ashes from our crematorium, this could be a problem if you had arranged your own funeral, just leave a signed letter with a person you'd like to collect them or leave them in our will, that'll disappoint them. Please ensure that only one person is permitted to collect the cremated remains, last year due to an administrative error we supplied 40 people with one persons ashes, this only came to light when at a family gathering they estimated that their 5' great grandmother had the same bone mass as a killer whale, due to ongoing litigation this is all we can say on the matter.
We reserve the right to throw uncollected ashes in the bin after a year, we also offer this service for £110, the dustbin men come every Tuesday if you wanted to come and wave goodbye to your loved one it's usually between 7 a.m. and midday.
but what you do with them is up to you.

Drink

Gritting your path

Snort

DELIVERY OF ASHES

Mark the vicar's express delivery service

You can have your loved ones cremated remains delivered by Mark the Vicar in his spare Porsche, this is an express premium service which is included free of charge to all Tenpasenta First class members (membership fee £5000, maximum urn deliveries 1).

ABOUT	COFFINS	URNS	EXTRAS
BURIAL	CREMATION	GREEN	QUALITY
VIEWING	FLEET	LIVING?	PLANS

Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable..